[The Onion] The Zucc Saves Democracy

“Let me do what I do best…connect people.”

“The Meta Beta” Zuckerberg shuffled to the podium, blinked at the audience in his signature 'I-have-definitely-studied-human-expressions' way, and cleared his throat. Zuckerbug explained that META does indeed support small regulations, but nothing "too strong," or his friends at the White House can’t post their moronic AI-generated photos. 

Perhaps the most profound takeaway from the afternoon was Zucc's stirring analogy that innovation and regulation are "business partners." A metaphor so visionary that several audience members reportedly had to sit down. 

Zuckerberg closed by gazing warmly into the middle distance and declaring that upcoming generations will be built on, and entirely reliant on, OpenAI. This closing statement received a partial standing ovation and nervous chuckles, unsure of how serious he was being.

Notable Quotes: 

“AI will save the loneliness epidemic.”

Ceaser Zuckerberg’s humanitarian pledge. The "bots," he assured everyone, are very good listeners. 

Italy ECR Delegate: “You claim to be friends with Elon Musk, yet he just spoke to us about how there should be more regulations on aliens…yet you yourself are an alien. Thoughts?” 

In reference to claims made that the Zucc man is an extraterrestrial alien. 

“You guys keep wanting cookies, so I keep giving them. It doesn’t matter what kind…I know, I’ve even tried vegan cookies.”

Speaking on website analytical cookies.

Zuckerberg left the conference, semi-defeated, being accused of being a lizard by multiple participants. We can assume he will go stare lifelessly in companionship with his pal Elon, or his model friend who goes by “GPT.”