CC: the backroom

in the back of my mind there’s a door

big hardwood door painted white,

cracks in its paint

a testament of time that’s passing by.

the door left ajar, invites

to a storage-like room,

where one can stop by and think 

of all the things that lay covered in dust,

present, and past,

in my mind’s labyrinth of tall, standing shelves.

on one shelf, there’s a home: cozy and warm,

parental love,

filled with laughter, music, and games, blankets and hugs,

kisses goodnight, my duvet tight;

family trips remembered from one of the back seats

as golden light pours through the windows,

old italian song from three decades ago playing on the radio,

paternal awkward jokes, and maternal care.

a home in which tears are wiped… not swallowed.

a home in which no one leaves… not ever.

a home in which i’m not left behind.

on next shelf, there’s a body: one that’s not an enemy,

but a friend;

one that’s not a reason to feel shame,

disgust;

one that’s not scarred

through and through;

one that’s never been starved, and that doesn’t know

what it feels like to be somebody’s toy.

a body that is celebrated, and that doesn’t carry the weight

of all the wars it takes me through.

move in a little deeper, there’s a soul: one that feels like enough,

one that meets some sort of standard i have made for myself

in hope,

that once i live up to it

everything will all, finally

be alright.

a soul that makes me worthy

of friendship,

of love,

of happiness, 

of a stable job;

one that would make me feel complete instead of torn apart.

or so i think.

deep in the back of the room, there’s a newer shelf: seed of hope for the future

there’s a stability and slow, quiet days;

there’s more canvas, more paint;

there’s the kalimba I’ve had since high school;

there’s a balcony and warm lights, slow coffee drinking during sunrise;

there’s rooms filled with laughter, clapping steps of tiny feet;

there’s that faithful devotion - one that in the minds of most is a thing of a fairytale;

there’s everything I could dream to have or ever be.