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The Maastricht Diplomat

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[The Onion] Delegates late after Eurovision Song Contest party

07:30 - The Onion writers are stationed in front of the Paulissen bakery to get their 4+1 croissant deal after waking up early to cover the last day of debate. 

08:00 - Writers for the reputable outlet arrive at the editorial room, to eat and read the latest rushed article from CGTN that the editor has published prematurely. 

09:00 - The editor in chief is still absent, so are reporters from Reuter and AP. The building, where over 5 UN committees will deliberate for the last day of talks, is still empty.

09:15 - Writers for AP, Reuters, and AFP arrive at the Press room.

09:16 - Sources tell the Onion that sessions today are only starting at 09:30 after Swiss win the Eurovision Song Contest had left delegates partying hate until late into the night. One eyewitness described festivities as „adequate.“

09:30 - Members of the press swarm out to find empty committee rooms. One chair commented, „this seems like a day of Karaoke and Just dance, judging from the attendance.“

09:37 - Onion writers reevaluate their life-choices as they could have slept in bed for more than an additional hour. 

09:45 - The President of the International Court of Justice (ICJ) addresses the judges, to explain Today's schedule. 

09:47 - Judge Catar arrives at the court, it is now complete. Overnight, the Judge had smoked 2 packs of camel non filters judging from his voice. 

10:00 - A full half hour after the official start of sessions, closing statements being in the ICJ. 

10:06 - After 6 minutes of spitting straight lines in diss track against Italy, an Advocate of Germany gives the microphone to their colleagues to „finish the job,“ experts say.


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