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The Maastricht Diplomat

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[The Onion] Delegates arrive late and confused after „the alcohol was flowing and the vibes were glowing"

Delegates arrived late in many committees for their last day of talks on Sunday, posing danger for German culture and European democracy.

A picture taken at 09:32 after the official start of committee sessions shows delegates still on the way to the building. The Editor in chief commented on this behavior, stating that one should be „French about this and apply the quart d’heure de politesse, so fifteen minutes to whatever event.“ Experts described the comment as unsurprising, given that the editor was the one who was taking the picture, being late himself. As reasons for his lateness the Redish-suited fashion icon gave a forgotten name tag and a stolen bike. 

These comments were not enough to dispute rumors surrounding a blue and red tie that had been mysteriously found in the staff lounge. The story goes that a delegate from the UNSC in EuroMUN 2024 got lost in the law faculty while coming late for a committee session and never found a way out. Witnesses report that the only thing left was the aforementioned tie. Maybe the editor-in-chief was possessed by the spirit of the late delegate. 

Lazy excuses persist today, as delegates struggle to explain why they were late. One delegate cited not hearing their alarm as reason for their overdue arrival. They told reporters that it was a valid reason, as it did happen but admitted finding it „a bit unprofessional.“ 

To judge whether and how much lateness was to be tolerated the Onion spoke with Judge Catar of the International Criminal Court. The legal professional stated that a one hour window was acceptable in any case. Not all agree with the Judges timeframe, who stated that his stance was impartial and not affected by him being about 20 minutes late himself at all. 

One reason for today's protracted start might be yesterday’s gala, one of the highlights of this conference. Eyewitness called the event a movie in which „the alcohol was flowing and the vibes were glowing.“ France, in NATO, told reporters it had been there representing its true values: “liberté, egalité,fraternité”. According to the delegate the night had been „very free, very fraternal, and very equal,“ adding a quote from famous philosopher Borat, „very nice.“

Early birds were scarce today, but still out to catch worms. A Chair of CoEU was quoted saying that „actually“ they arrived 30 minutes earlier. A delegate for Alternative für Deutschland (AfD) told reporters, „It‘s embarrassing. It‘s ridiculous. It‘s an outrage.“ To punish latecomers they suggested segregation zones to curb the spread of this unwanted behavior, which according to the delegate endangers German culture as much as it threatens democracy, „Germany, but normal is our motto, and being normal is being on time.“ According to them, they had been on time for every single session.


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