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The Maastricht Diplomat

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Crisis in facts and figures

In the past few days a lot has gone down in the crisis committee. Instead of giving you a full summary of what happened, I will instead highlight some ‘fun’ facts and figures. But first! The end of the siege in the TL;DR format: The Imperials storm the city, the pilliging is bad but not as bad as expected, most the Magdeborgers died with one successful turncoat and they all lived happily ever after.Speaking of happily ever after this is our first fact: there were two weddings that took place between the delegates before the end of the imperial victory.

This crisis was no average crisis, however, in terms of the number of directives being issued - it was 287. Your average crisis will land you around 250-400 directives depending on the size. Here I would like to point out the crazy amount of typing that I witnessed in the backroom.

This crisis also had 2 real and 1 fake cabinets, the fake cabinet was the Swedish one (who historically didn’t show up for some reason). The Swedish cabinet was populated by 3 fake Swedish delegates and 1 fake Swedish chair (who was an actual Swede). It seemed to have worked. One Imperial delegate caused a cholera outbreak in the Swedish military, and there were some shocked expressions after the reveal that the Swedes were fake.

The two real cabinets didn’t really get along (in game), which was illustrated by numerous plots, arrests and assassinations; with the plurality of the assasination attempts by delegates being conducted in the city on ‘allies’. This included the use of two children as suicide bombers and the use of a pigs bladder filled with 5kg of black powder. By the end of the crisis 7/12 delegates had died(at least once). Of these deaths, surprisingly only one head was mounted on a pike. The best overkill however was that of the assasination of Von Pappenheim, who was simultaneously assassinated by multiple other delegates, being infected with syphilis, stabbed and poisoned.

Murder however was not the sole tool of this barbaric troop, with many arrest attempts being made but only 4 succeding. Additionally, there were some attempts at talking things over with 3 parlays being proposed with only the last one being right out rejected. Also, rumour is that 1 secret corona party was held within the walls of the city, what depravities happened there I dare not imagine.

It wasn’t all looting and pillaging however. It was a surprisingly industrial time for the city. With 750 barrels of hard seltzer being produced, theater and art scholarships being offered to the city's orphans and 1400 black rooster uniforms being tailored. Aslo, towards the exterior of the city, many pieces of artillery were built - enough to break the city's walls on 6 separate locations. In terms of infrastructure, 2 tunnels were constructed and only one bridge was destroyed. It’s also important to mention that at the time of writing at least 48 memes were made, tying this committee for first place(with the WHO) in the conference.

Finally, an honorable mention to the countless civilians who were slaughtered or otherwise caught in the crossfire (it is important to mention that historically it was worse, somehow). The Imperials suffered serious casualties, almost losing 5000 men, while the Magdeborgers practically lost everything. All in all it was a display that will go down in the history books.

This report was brought to you by Richard Head, EuroMUN2021 Special Correspondent to the Siege of Magdeburg, 1631


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